An oxymoron is a figure of speech which contains words that seem contradictory to one another. This incongruity can be accidental or deliberate, as in cases of humor.
Funny Oxymoron Quotes
- I am a deeply superficial person. – Andy Warhol
- Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them. – Anthony Haden-Guest
- She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on. – Arthur Baer
- I distinctly remember forgetting that. – Clara Barton
- You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. – Dolly Parton
- The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it. – Donald Trump
- I have a terrible memory. I never forget a thing. – Edith Konecky
- I hate people but I love gatherings. – Edna St. Vincent Millay
- Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. – George Bernard Shaw
- Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. – Irene Peter
- Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. – Josh Billings
- We must believe in free will. We have no choice. – Isaac B. Singer
- I can resist everything but temptation. – Mark Twain
- It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. – Mark Twain
- I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible. – Oscar Wilde
- The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. – W.C. Fields
- I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. – Winston Churchill
- I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra
- Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes? – Yogi Berra
Funny Oxymoron Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn
Samuel Goldwyn, a very influential movie producer during the 1920’s through the 1950’s, was famous for his humor. Here are a few of his funny oxymorons:
- A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
- Include me out.
- A hospital is no place to be sick.
- Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
- Don’t worry about the war. It’s all over but the shooting.
- Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never wrong.
- Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
- If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive!
- It’s more than magnificent-it’s mediocre.
- If Roosevelt were alive, he’d turn over in his grave.
- I’ll give you a definite maybe.
- If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.
- I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them five years.
- I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
- I was always an independent, even when I had partners.
- I paid too much for it, but its worth it.
- I can give you a definite perhaps.
- It’s absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.
- Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
- I never liked you, and I always will.
- Spare no expense to save money on this one.
- The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.
- Tell them to stand closer apart.
- When told his son was getting married: Thank heaven. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
- We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.
Anonymous and Funny Oxymoron Quotes
- It went over like a lead balloon.
- Thank God I’m an atheist.
- We are not anticipating any emergencies.
- Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
- I’m not going to say, “I told you so.”
- May I ask a question?
- This report is filled with omissions.
- Click the ‘Start’ button to shut down the computer.
- Spontaneity is good as long as it is controlled.
For more examples, check out Examples of Oxymorons.